It was hard to be real. I wanted to be liked, so I developed a persona I thought people would accept. It wasn’t the real me; it was the me I wanted to be. Very few knew the real me. The real one was tucked away inside layers of fear.
The confidence I needed wasn’t external; it was internal. I looked confident; I displayed confidence. But inside I always second guessed myself. I remember in 4th grade, we had a Halloween party. I came dressed as an old woman. No one knew who I was. I hid behind my mask. I felt safe behind its facade. I could move in and out of people, remaining unidentifiable.
As I grew older, I didn’t know what color I liked or what music I wanted to listen to. I decided to adopt my friends preferences because I didn’t know that part of myself. I had hidden for so long that I became unknown, even to me.
As time marched on, I became a wife, a mother, a college student, a teacher. These were labels I wore, not identity I possessed. “Who am I?” It was a question I needed to answer. I made it my quest to find my identity. My gender was not in question. My spot in my family was secure. But what am I here for? What am I supposed to be accomplishing in this life? I knew I wouldn’t be satisfied until I found my answer.
I went to college, gained confidence in my ability to capture information and regurgitate it for exams. I graduated summa cum laude with a Bachelor of Science in Elementary Education. Perhaps my identity would be found in teaching school. I landed a contract to teach second grade. I never took that job.
The real me was about to stand up, come out from behind the mask, and be recognized. I got in touch with my own dreams and desires. I pressed into prayer, seeking God for His purpose for me. I found me, when I found Him. He knew me before I was born. “Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.”
Psalms 139:16 NASB
I realized the best way to know my identity was to hear it from my Creator. He made me, put me here, and had a plan for my life.
“I will hear what God the LORD will say; For He will speak peace to His people, to His godly ones; But let them not turn back to folly.”
Psalms 85:8 NASB
Here are two definitions of folly. One, “a lack of good sense.”
The other:
“A costly ornamental building with no practical purpose, especially a tower or mock-Gothic ruin built in a large garden or park.”
I was an ornamental structure with no purpose, taking up space in the garden of humanity. I wore a mask, lived a mock life until I heard what the Lord said to me.
My mask if off! My life has meaning! I know whose I am! I am walking in my purpose: to know Jesus and make Him known. I am His daughter. I am royalty because He has adopted me as His child. I am real! I am not afraid to let the real me out into the light for all to see.
